Wednesday, December 11, 2013

God Is For You!


It is so easy to forget that God is for us.  It is easy to get caught up in everything that needs to get done.  It takes intention to live in the light of eternity.

God wants us to bring every detail of our lives to Him.  That would be easier if we could see Him and commune with Him as we do with other human beings.  I think this constant awareness of Him comes more naturally if we see the world in a different perspective.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

The Fog

November 16, 2013
Jesus Calling

Today's reading was talking about the God-created-fog.  I had to read the last part a few times to really let it sink in that He creates this fog that settles a few steps in front of you as walk through this journey called life.  So that you seek Him and stay close to Him. Why would You create a fog?  "Why are You so controlling?"  is the first thought that came to my mind as I was pondering the fog. 

Why did He provide manna for the Israelites daily and not let them have a week's or month's supply?  Why does He allow suffering and pain? I had struggled with that thought much a few years ago as I attempted to make a case for God.  It was the suffering that really didn't make much sense to me. He is God and does as He pleases.  So if He answers my prayers, wonderful!  If He chooses not to, then it is His will.  I had a very hard time accepting that!  It was much easier on my heart to believe that there was no God.  Things happened naturally, without much rhyme or reason.  Good and bad things happened to all people, without discrimination.  That was life!  Yes, it sucks sometimes, but that was just the way it was. 

My heart felt a bit more guarded with that perspective.  There is a saying in India. It says that even if you give someone an elephant (emphasis on its enormity and value) do not give someone hope without resolve.  That is exactly how I felt about the God.  

I had high hopes in God coming through on a few requests.  One being my father, who battles schizophrenia.  Another one being a very close relative battling alcoholism and therefore destroying his family.  I watched both of those individuals fall apart and go to the pits of despair without any kind of healing.  I had been praying for over 15 years!  I had given my heart to Christ at the age of 13.  I was sold out for Christ!  He was my everything.  And I firmly believed that He would come through for me.  He didn't.  At least not in the way I expected Him to.

He is doing something else.  He is showing me Himself through my brokenness. I have realized that I would much rather have Him than have all the answers in the world.  A life without faith is dull at best. Faith is a gift.  No matter how much you wish it, it doesn't come that easily.  At least, that was my experience.  He woos us.  And if you seek after Him with all your heart, you will be found of Him.

That was a long tangent, back to today's reading.  The reading ends by saying that someday the fog will no longer be necessary, for we will have learned to keep our focus on Him and on the path just ahead.  Looking forward to that day!

Thursday, November 7, 2013

God's Promises

I came across this blog today and what I read was very encouraging and challenging.

It was from

"There is nothing that God cannot do in your life if you are willing to submit to his will.  All the pain and struggles you face are simply the elements God uses to mold you into greatness.  He has not forgotten you.  Your trial is set for a time and soon your tears will turn to joy.   There are no losers in the body of Christ. We are all on a path designed by him long before we were born.  He has the plan and it cannot fail.  Are you ready to give up your control to get God’s divine blessings?   Don’t worry over your circumstance for the outcome has been decided in advance.  For believers, the war is won and we are the victors.  The devil himself knows that.  You now need to know that too."

Lord, thank you for  your promises!  I hold on to he hope that this momentary struggle is but for a minute time in light of infinity.  I want to so badly to learn what you are trying to teach me...I don't want to miss this lesson, this growth-opportunity.  I don't want to revisit this lesson again =)  Please make it crystal clear and help my heart to be obedient and follow after you.  Help me to submit to your will.  I choose with everything in me to submit...whatever part I am not, give me grace to learn and submit as well.   

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Seek to Please Me

Jesus Calling - November 6, 2013

Today's reading was about pleasing God in all areas of live, especially in decision making.  Seek Him in every detail of your life, both small and big.  This can a bit difficult as I can't seem to remember to seek Him in all the little decisions.  I guess that comes with time.

I like how the Message expresses Proverbs 3


Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
    he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.
    Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
    your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
    give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
    your wine vats will brim over.
But don’t, dear friend, resent God’s discipline;
    don’t sulk under his loving correction.
It’s the child he loves that God corrects;
    a father’s delight is behind all this.

Love that!  

I am praying today for strength and clear head as I go and homeschool my kindergartner.  I feel exhausted although I slept 8 hours and went for a short run this morning.  I pray for strength to make it today without a nap.

Friday, October 18, 2013

It has been a very long time!

My last post was in January of 2012.  It has been a very long time.  Since the last post, I have had a life altering event.  I started getting very sick around May of 2012.  

I had an incident in November of 2011, where I had dizziness and severe brain fog.  It was so bad that I was in bed for about a week.  It gradually got better over a 6 week period.  I thought I was all clear.  It all seemed to come back in May of 2012.  But this time, I had more symptoms.  Some of these symptoms were appearing daily.  I had the head fog come back, numbness in legs and arms-mostly the right leg, problems emptying my bladder, visual changes (can't track fast moving objects), menstrual irregularities, muscle fatigue, extreme fatigue, memory problems, problems speaking, hair falling out, and others that I just can't remember right now =)

I had 4 MRI's, CT scans, and just about every test under the sun.  MS was ruled out, along with many other neurological diseases.  Finally, my neurologist said that I need to be seen by the Mayo clinic.  I am currently waiting on that appointment in November of this year.  So far I have seen 3 neurologists, ENT, ophthamologist, neurophthamologist, cardiologist, urologist, 2 MD-ND combos, gynocologist, and let us not exclude the psychiatrist (because when all else fails, it's all in your head-as the 2nd neurologist told me).  So far, couple of tens of thousands of dollars have been spent and still no cure, no closer to a cure, so Mayo clinic bears much weight at this point.  I am very scared that they too will find nothing, but not much else to hold on to at this point.

What the heck could this craziness be?  It could be just about any number of things:  Lyme (negative on the $450 test-western blot/pcr test), fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, heavy metal poisoning (the provoking urine test came back with high levels for mercury, lead, and aluminum-although a blood test didn't show similar findings), candida, and anxiety.

So, how does this all tie into Jesus Calling?  Well, I can say that I have gotten closer to Jesus through this ordeal.  In fact, I have really great months where I am solely relying on Him and have  high hopes for a full recovery.  Then there are days and weeks such as now -  where I question if He is there at all.  I know that is disheartening...but it is seems less painful to not believe in Him and just accept this as normal part of living on earth than to believe in divine plan and purpose.

There is a bit of a battle going on inside of me.  Part of me wants to believe that God is in all of this - He sees the speck-me.  I am to not loose faith and hope but trust that He is taking care of it all, even if healing is not the end point.  I will learn to delight in Him through it all, people will give glory to God by seeing my life in action through the craziness and I will be given a completely different perspective on life.

The other part wants to give up hope and reconcile to the idea that this is my life and deeply mourn all that could have been.  And live to the best of my abilities and just take it a day at a time.

I so deeply wish to have a normal day.  I have begged God -  for 1 day of normalcy.  I have yet to see it.  Hope not realized is an ache that can't be is a deep pain, despair, really.

I can't even put into words my feelings about my sickness and my little girls - it will have to be another day - it hurts too much to even think about it.  

God, I have fought through every step of my life.  Finally, i thought I could rest - then this.  

I need Him to heal me or comfort me through this.  

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