Friday, October 18, 2013

It has been a very long time!

My last post was in January of 2012.  It has been a very long time.  Since the last post, I have had a life altering event.  I started getting very sick around May of 2012.  

I had an incident in November of 2011, where I had dizziness and severe brain fog.  It was so bad that I was in bed for about a week.  It gradually got better over a 6 week period.  I thought I was all clear.  It all seemed to come back in May of 2012.  But this time, I had more symptoms.  Some of these symptoms were appearing daily.  I had the head fog come back, numbness in legs and arms-mostly the right leg, problems emptying my bladder, visual changes (can't track fast moving objects), menstrual irregularities, muscle fatigue, extreme fatigue, memory problems, problems speaking, hair falling out, and others that I just can't remember right now =)

I had 4 MRI's, CT scans, and just about every test under the sun.  MS was ruled out, along with many other neurological diseases.  Finally, my neurologist said that I need to be seen by the Mayo clinic.  I am currently waiting on that appointment in November of this year.  So far I have seen 3 neurologists, ENT, ophthamologist, neurophthamologist, cardiologist, urologist, 2 MD-ND combos, gynocologist, and let us not exclude the psychiatrist (because when all else fails, it's all in your head-as the 2nd neurologist told me).  So far, couple of tens of thousands of dollars have been spent and still no cure, no closer to a cure, so Mayo clinic bears much weight at this point.  I am very scared that they too will find nothing, but not much else to hold on to at this point.

What the heck could this craziness be?  It could be just about any number of things:  Lyme (negative on the $450 test-western blot/pcr test), fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, heavy metal poisoning (the provoking urine test came back with high levels for mercury, lead, and aluminum-although a blood test didn't show similar findings), candida, and anxiety.

So, how does this all tie into Jesus Calling?  Well, I can say that I have gotten closer to Jesus through this ordeal.  In fact, I have really great months where I am solely relying on Him and have  high hopes for a full recovery.  Then there are days and weeks such as now -  where I question if He is there at all.  I know that is disheartening...but it is seems less painful to not believe in Him and just accept this as normal part of living on earth than to believe in divine plan and purpose.

There is a bit of a battle going on inside of me.  Part of me wants to believe that God is in all of this - He sees the speck-me.  I am to not loose faith and hope but trust that He is taking care of it all, even if healing is not the end point.  I will learn to delight in Him through it all, people will give glory to God by seeing my life in action through the craziness and I will be given a completely different perspective on life.

The other part wants to give up hope and reconcile to the idea that this is my life and deeply mourn all that could have been.  And live to the best of my abilities and just take it a day at a time.

I so deeply wish to have a normal day.  I have begged God -  for 1 day of normalcy.  I have yet to see it.  Hope not realized is an ache that can't be is a deep pain, despair, really.

I can't even put into words my feelings about my sickness and my little girls - it will have to be another day - it hurts too much to even think about it.  

God, I have fought through every step of my life.  Finally, i thought I could rest - then this.  

I need Him to heal me or comfort me through this.  

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