It has been a very long time!

My last post was in January of 2012.  It has been a very long time.  Since the last post, I have had a life altering event.  I started getting very sick around May of 2012.  

I had an incident in November of 2011, where I had dizziness and severe brain fog.  It was so bad that I was in bed for about a week.  It gradually got better over a 6 week period.  I thought I was all clear.  It all seemed to come back in May of 2012.  But this time, I had more symptoms.  Some of these symptoms were appearing daily.  I had the head fog come back, numbness in legs and arms-mostly the right leg, problems emptying my bladder, visual changes (can't track fast moving objects), menstrual irregularities, muscle fatigue, extreme fatigue, memory problems, problems speaking, hair falling out, and others that I just can't remember right now =)

I had 4 MRI's, CT scans, and just about every test under the sun.  MS was ruled out, along with many other neurological diseases.  Finally, my neurologist said that I need to be seen by the Mayo clinic.  I am currently waiting on that appointment in November of this year.  So far I have seen 3 neurologists, ENT, ophthamologist, neurophthamologist, cardiologist, urologist, 2 MD-ND combos, gynocologist, and let us not exclude the psychiatrist (because when all else fails, it's all in your head-as the 2nd neurologist told me).  So far, couple of tens of thousands of dollars have been spent and still no cure, no closer to a cure, so Mayo clinic bears much weight at this point.  I am very scared that they too will find nothing, but not much else to hold on to at this point.

What the heck could this craziness be?  It could be just about any number of things:  Lyme (negative on the $450 test-western blot/pcr test), fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, heavy metal poisoning (the provoking urine test came back with high levels for mercury, lead, and aluminum-although a blood test didn't show similar findings), candida, and anxiety.

So, how does this all tie into Jesus Calling?  Well, I can say that I have gotten closer to Jesus through this ordeal.  In fact, I have really great months where I am solely relying on Him and have  high hopes for a full recovery.  Then there are days and weeks such as now -  where I question if He is there at all.  I know that is disheartening...but it is seems less painful to not believe in Him and just accept this as normal part of living on earth than to believe in divine plan and purpose.

There is a bit of a battle going on inside of me.  Part of me wants to believe that God is in all of this - He sees the speck-me.  I am to not loose faith and hope but trust that He is taking care of it all, even if healing is not the end point.  I will learn to delight in Him through it all, people will give glory to God by seeing my life in action through the craziness and I will be given a completely different perspective on life.

The other part wants to give up hope and reconcile to the idea that this is my life and deeply mourn all that could have been.  And live to the best of my abilities and just take it a day at a time.

I so deeply wish to have a normal day.  I have begged God -  for 1 day of normalcy.  I have yet to see it.  Hope not realized is an ache that can't be explained...it is a deep pain, despair, really.

I can't even put into words my feelings about my sickness and my little girls - it will have to be another day - it hurts too much to even think about it.  

God, I have fought through every step of my life.  Finally, i thought I could rest - then this.  

I need Him to heal me or comfort me through this.  

2nd & 3rd

I just realized that I blogged on the 2nd for Jan 1st. That's what happens when you stay way past your bed time =)  I was so tempted to skip today but it's only day 2!  

Jan 2nd continues to talk about resting in His presence.  My favorite part was, 'This sacrifice of time pleases Me and strengthens you.'  So true!  Why is it that I fight so hard against what is actually good for me?  

Today's reading was about refreshing in His presence. Learning to hide in the secret place of the Most High as you go through your day.  If only I could recall that when my days get really frustrating.  "Do not be weighed down with problems and unresolved issues."  Lord, teach me to dwell in your presence throughout my day.

The New Year

Wow!  I can't believe it is 2012!  Time has been going by so fast.  I just finished making goals for this year and one of my spiritual goals was to go through the devotion, Jesus Calling, every day this year and to blog about it.

As I am relearning about Christ and what it means to have a spiritual walk with my creator, I find that I am being challenged in my quiet moments about one particular issue.  To come before God with a positive outlook.  I know that might seem so obvious to many, but I am just realizing now that I typically don't come to God with that kind of attitude.  I typically just tell him what I would love to see happening, ending with something along the line of, 'but of course, if you don't agree with these things, which I am pretty sure you don't, because looking back at my life, you didn't agree with many things, but whatever, in your name I pray.    Gosh, I have much to relearn, don't I?

Today's reading begins by an invitation:  Come to me with a teachable spirit, eager to be changed.  Lord, I am going to try very hard to have a teachable spirit, desiring to know you like I have never known you before.  My goal is to just read everything in this book and just believe it even when I normally would doubt and when my feelings don't match with the fact that I choose to believe.  I  know that might be a bit crazy, but I just don't know which side is up anymore.  I need some absolutes, some boundaries, some connection, direction with the Almighty.  I admit that I can't do this by myself anymore.  I was wrong!

How appropriate that it goes on to say:  Do not cling to old ways as you step into a new year.  Instead, seek My face with an open mind, knowing that your journey with Me involves being transformed by the renewing of your mind.  As you focus your thoughts on Me, be aware that I am fully attentive to you...I know and understand you completely; My thoughts embrace you in everlasting love!  Wow, that's hard to believe, but I choose to even though I don't feel like I do.

I am ready to be changed.

Abeyance

'Come to Me with your plans held in abeyance,' reads todays passage.  Abeyance, I had to look it up, is defined as a state of temporary disuse or suspension.  That's tough.  I typically have plans A,B, & C and many variations of each as well. To come to Him with that kind of trust, letting go of your own plans, and surrendering to His will is easily said or read than done.  I have great difficulty with this kind of trust.  


The only season in my Christian journey when I was able to have this kind of faith was around the age of 13, when I had accepted Christ as my savior.  I had amazing faith.  I really believed everything I read in the Bible.  I had no doubt that He was there.  It was because He had been showing up in my life daily.  In the most mundane situations I would see His hand.  It was as if He was wooing me.  You know, when you are first getting to know a significant other, you do the sweetest and most thoughtful things to let them know you are interested and would like to pursue them.  I would pray for the silliest things (in my teenage mind, no such things were silly, of course).  Nevertheless, He would grant my requests.  Those few years were the sweetest times in my relationship with God.  I guess the honeymoon stage usually is. 


'Do not blindly follow your habitual route, or you will miss what I have prepared for you.'  You have live deliberately.  I do wish I had that kind of faith again, perhaps this breaking down of all I know of God is the beginning.    

Limitless Provision

'Rejoice in My abundance-living by faith, not by sight.'   Today's reading was regarding God's glorious riches.  One phrase struck a chord with me: 'Even now you have access to as much of Me as you have faith to receive.'  Man, here is another one of those theological statement that just doesn't sit well with me or it has not in the recent past.  So, it's about faith.  You receive not because of your lack of faith, but I believe, I really do!  Do I?  I am not so sure.  That's why I love Mark 9:24.  The father of the sick boy who was before Jesus cries, 'I believe,  help my unbelief.'    That is my saving grace.  Many times I am not sure if I have enough faith to pray and ask what I ask for, so, just to cover anything I might have missed, I ask God to help my unbelief. 

This strikes a chord with me because among the many ideas of Christian faith I battled with, this was a major one.  Why ask if He does all things according to His will?  So, you will only receive if he agrees with what you are asking?  What's the point of asking and praying for many things and people...just simply say, I have many concerns, but no point in talking about it for hours, whatever you will, I will learn to accept, right?  I know, I know, but praying brings you closer to God, it's about the conversation between you and Him, it's about the relationship these times will bring about.  Yes, that sounds very spiritual and humbling, but there are some 'mundane' things that just need be a yes or no.  And since He already knows the answer before you were even conceived, why are you spending years asking him to change His mind?  How about I just meditate on Him to bring me closer to Him.  

I just wish it was clearer!

Guidance for today

Today's reading was so timely, as has been case since I started reading this book.  It begins by saying to seek God as lover and friend of my soul, but also as the sovereign over all.  This is something I have had such a hard time coming to terms with.  Sovereign means above all, in full control.  Then why is it that it seems that He is not or it does not appear to be so.  When I first began to question my faith, this is one of the questions that I really battled with.  In particular, I questioned His sovereignty over human suffering, suffering of innocent children to be exact.  I was learning more about neglected and abused children, particularly sexual abuse.  I had such a hard time praying and seeking God in those days because I was so burdened with the suffering these little ones were going through.  How could I be praying to God who had the power to change it all and didn't?

I know, I know, He is sovereign, but humans have choices and His wisdom is above ours, so don't question it, just accept it.  I couldn't just accept it anymore!  I had to at least be able to question it.  I couldn't continue to pray and worship a God whom I couldn't question.  I couldn't just believe because I was told to believe.  It had to be my faith, deep within my soul, I had to know.  Is he real?  Or as Karl Marx said, the opium of the masses?  Is it that human beings need to believe in something greater to have real meaning in life?


I will share with you, in the coming days,  my journey through those questions.  But for now, let me get back to today's reading. I am sure Sarah Young was not envisioning this interpretation from today's reading, but that's what is great about a book.  You have the freedom to interpret it and let it speak to where you are.


I had a practical 'aha' moment from today's reading.  I woke up overwhelmed by the many things that needed to be done today.  So, this was so timely.  "You can make some plans as you gaze into the day that stretches out before you.  But you need to hold those plans tentatively, anticipating that I may have other ideas.  The most important thing to determine is what to do right now. Instead of scanning the horizon of your life, looking for things that need to be done, concentrate on the task before you..."  how practical!  It goes on the say that this process of taking things one at a time and concentrating on God, will unclutter your mind and draw you close to Him.  Sounds like a plan...now off to doing dishes.

Blogging for the soul

It is 1: 13 am and I have finally just set up my very first blog.  I have been meaning to do this for at least 2 years now.  Better late than never, right?  I think everything happens in its time.  So, here goes.

I started reading the book, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, for about a month now.  I picked it up at the suggestion of someone I greatly admire but was not expecting anything different than the typical devotional 'stuff.'  I was pleasantly surprised and somewhat relived that this book was different.  I began reading Jesus Calling  in April because there is no sense in trying to be perfect and starting in January =). There were many days when the reading for a particular day appeared to have been written just for me.  It would speak to a situation at  hand so perfectly that I couldn't dismiss it as chance.  I know the word, chance, doesn't sound very spiritual, rather skeptic, but this is exactly where I needed to be met by my Creator.  I had been a skeptic and in the coming days I will share my journey of losing faith and where I am today.

As I struggled with my Christian faith, I desperately seeked others with similar doubts, questions, etc. but was not able to find much support.  So, I thought this blog might benefit someone who might be going on a similar journey.  I sincerely hope that it does and if so please feel free to reach out to me. The wisdom and guidance I received while reading this book has been life changing and it has only been about a month.  I would love to share what I have learned with you and hope to see how it will affect your life.  Thanks for stopping by!